Friday, 29 August 2014

Live. Lament. Laugh. Learn. Love.

How do you measure, measure this year?

When I was in New York in August 2013, it was the same weekend a certain couple had their coming out party.

When I was in New York in December 2013, it was the same weekend a certain couple hosted a big Xmas event for an autism organization which may or may not have the best motives.

When I was in New York in April 2014, it was the same weekend a certain couple got engaged.

When I leave New York today, it will be the same weekend a certain couple gets married.
  
And to top it off, I was officially the last "frequent well wisher" (because a Blockhead is a relative term these days) to see the groom the weekend before both the engagement and the wedding.  (Yes I put that in bold. Let that sink in for a minute.) 

If you beat that string of "luck" then I salute you.  But let me be walking into a plate glass window clear on something.

Do I like her? The truth is like many of us, I don't know her. Sure she's had her moments of questionable remarks that verges of hypocrisy, but so does everyone else. She may be a nice person who COULD be someone I end up meeting and we get along famously and if she can put up with his nonsense which many of us have been through then more power to her. But her persona and what she gives off simply doesn't appeal to me and I can't see myself praising her as the best person ever like some are very prone of doing.  Nor do I think her over sharing on every intimate detail is going to win me over, especially when his privacy was valued to him. (Knowing what their favorite position isn't going to help me win on Jeopardy!) Does that make me a bad person? Maybe to some, but to me it doesn't.  So I did what I thought was the noble thing: I stayed silent this past year.  I bit my tongue when the tweets and posts appeared.  I ignored most interviews.  "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me" with a few people but that's it. 

And I got severely mocked for it. I know what was said about me, that people were "worried" or laughing that I was "beside myself with grief" or a former friend asking someone else to check "how I was doing" even though we have not spoken in years. I never acknowledged it but still hurt regardless. And shows why I trust very few people.

HOWEVER...I am happy for him.  Whatever my feelings are about her, I have to hope he is doing the right thing for himself at this point in his life. I do feel he's a better place than he was a few years ago and if she made that happen then she can't be all that bad. He's given me so much over the past 5 years that if I can't try to show some support for him now then this has been a complete waste of time and I wouldn't have learned a fucking thing. For a long time I was scared that the "fan/friend" relationship I have with him would change. But now I feel reassured that it won't.  Recently I came to realize that my biggest fear was losing someone that I do care for because I couldn't agree with it.  I may still not agree with some parts but it's his life, not mine so I need to respect those choices.  So now I will simply show my support, wish them well and carry on. 

A few people I have showed this to said : "Is it a risk that you're putting it out there and he may happen to see it?"  Of course.  But I'm a person who NEVER takes a risk in life.  Once in a while, you need to take one in order to move on.  So Donnie, if you are reading this 1) um...bonjour? and 2) you always say "I don't judge."  I have to believe you won't judge me for this either.  You know what you mean to me. You found your inner peace and it shows.   

And to Jenny...well, you're here. You're not leaving anytime soon.  It may take me a long time to really warm up to you.  But I will thank you for bringing that permanent smile on his face he has now.  Welcome to the family. 


You know where to find me.  And if you somehow still have a problem with what I wrote, that's your damage. 

PS: his hair is growing back.  That's a victory in itself.

Now back to asking when the cruise is going on sale.  

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